Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.