Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Strange

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another