The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not