@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

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@isabelzawtun

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

@TheThomason

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

@Sweetonme81

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

@ibid78

A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.

@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

@roxiqt

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

@_sweet_ham

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.