@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

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@Darlainky

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

@DanMentos

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

@ShrugLord

How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?

@TweetPotato314

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

@WheelTod

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

@TheBlessMess

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

@LuvPug

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

@nachosarah

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

@murrman5

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]