@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

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@DaddyJew

Parent: my child’s reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at?

Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet

@RunOldMan

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

@Metalligretch

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

@Papa_Mex

Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift

@eedrk

Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey

@squirrel74wkgn

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.