Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.


Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately


How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?


was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru


Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.


[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”


Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.


I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.


I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem


[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]