Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.