Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/