Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤔😂😂

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Mornin

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

The Assassin.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.