Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.