Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
You Might Also Like
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.