“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
favorite tropes as memes
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck