Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.