Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
You Might Also Like
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.