Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dril cadence

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!