Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good