Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.