Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month