Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

[eats all your cotton candy]

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems