Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I ate everything, including the H.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”