Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money