Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
iPhone X
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.