Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”