“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
@funTweeters
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.