“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.