“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
You Might Also Like
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.