Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
How does one answer this?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”