Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Help Wanted

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded