Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

I bet birds love this building.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

i want enemies

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*