Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
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Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,