Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

asked my bf how work was today

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.