Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?