Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

I hate when that happens.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x