Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

Pickled cat.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

wtf is an acronym

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.