Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.