Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
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Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs