Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

Real 😅

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.