Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
You Might Also Like
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING