Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.

Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief