Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

choose your fighter

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??