“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”