Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

I know karate and tons of other words.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

what the

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars