“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
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Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.