Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority