“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
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dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Banana is the quietest snack
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
That lamp looks PISSED.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
that lip filler tho
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
#damn
