“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My background check bounced.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
🤣
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.