Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.