Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I love snow
– People who never shovel
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to