Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
beware of dog
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.