Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
You Might Also Like
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
oh you wanna fight?!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When you’ve simply given up.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*