don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.