Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose