Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.