Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

bought wrong eggs

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.