Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
bury ourselves
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
SQUARREL
