Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.