Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

But wait…

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.