Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me, in DM rooms…
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30