Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.