Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

I am never leaving this website

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice