Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives