Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Going to church you guys need anything
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything