Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

This bar smells like my childhood.