Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
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My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.