Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
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vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I missed you with all my darts
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case