Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.