Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.