Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

that lip filler tho

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

This might be the funniest tweet ever

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Love is in the air fryer.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.