Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Labreador
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]