Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!