Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt