Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector