Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?