Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
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Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
girls literally only want one thing..
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I hydrated. Surrender now.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.