Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
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shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely