Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
You Might Also Like
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Flock of bats
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.