Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.