Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
yikes
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair